Glacecest 30 Kisses: 02: News, Letter
by Tabi
Summary: Written for 30 Kisses at Livejournal. After a chance incident, Marron feels that his and Carrot's relationship might be at risk; in order to secure him and Carrot some safety, he decides they need some time apart.


~30 Kisses~

~02: News, Letter~

The memory of the kiss lingered on Carrot's lips for far longer than Marron may have wished it.

Years of uncertainty. Of knowing only the singular and obsessive love that came from being so _entirely_ driven; to grow up alongside that person, to be so entirely inspired by that person... to have been protected by that person, to want to protect that person... what more was there?

When you only realised that you'd gone too far once you were far too far to hope to escape... to be so close, as a brother. To love so keenly, as a brother. To have the excuse to love and to hold and to comfort and everything else that came from being a treasured sibling... when you possessed as much as you were allowed, yet still you wanted more...

When you wanted more, yet didn't even know what more it was that you _wanted_... didn't know what caused the frustration and the _need_ and those longing looks that suggested nothing that you could easily describe...

When you wanted something you _knew_ was so terribly terribly forbidden...

Carrot sat quietly in the bedroom that had been, until around a month ago, shared by he and his brother. Marron's bed lay perfectly made, undisturbed since his hands had last touched the white cloth. There had been the temptation to go to that bed and disturb it in so many ways - to tear at the sheets in anger, to hold them with tearful desperation, to lie upon them and imagine them still infused by Marron's scent... to be able to touch those sheets and imagine that they still contained memory of Marron's body, to be able to believe that that room and that bed would be the only place on the Continent that he would be...

The room was silent as Carrot sat on the edge of his own bed, holding the envelope. Inside was a letter. Carrot didn't know if he dared open it. It was quite definitely from Marron, the perfect handwriting even on the address giving that way... that, and nobody else would write a letter to just anybody who happened to reside in Eden addressed only to '_Niisan_', Carrot knew that.

None of the others knew why Marron had chosen to leave suddenly. Not _really_. As far as they knew, he wanted the time alone to be able to concentrate on his magical studies, to be able to rest and meditate... it seemed a little strange for him to want to shut himself off so completely, but nobody could really understand how Marron worked. Even Big Mama had agreed for him to take the time off of missions in order to have his break... if Big Mama allowed it, then the others couldn't argue it. Perhaps it seemed strange, but there were obviously reasons why something like that would happen even if those reasons weren't in public knowledge... in the end, it came down to the fact that Marron _was_ such a private person, and by the time that anybody might have asked him of his reasons, he had already set off from Eden to places that only he would know.

He hadn't even told Carrot where he planned to go.

Somewhat nervously, Carrot opened the letter.

"_Niisan,_

_By this point, I felt that perhaps I should write to you. It has been quite_

_some time... as I write this, it has been three weeks since the time that I left_

_Eden. I don't know how long this will take to reach you._

_If you happen to worry about me, then please, know that I am at least contented_

_in the places that I would visit. The place where I am currently is quite pleasant..._

_the daffodils have just begun to bloom, there seems to finally be a scent of spring_

_in the air. Is that how it is back in Facade, back in Eden...? I wonder. I wonder_

_what season it seems like it might be, back at that place... back where you are, niisan..._

_I do not wish for you to worry for me._

_Neither can I lie to you._

_Are you concerned, niisan? Do you wonder about me? Even though I know where_

_you are, I wonder about you. I wonder if the situation is better for either of us... I_

_would not let you know where I am, yet even though I know where you are, there are_

_still all of the elements of life that worry me so... to think of you in our shared bedroom,_

_to think of how lonely you might be... to think of the missions you may be sent on... the_

_others would protect you, would they not? Yet none of them... none of them, I feel, can_

_protect you as much as I would wish to protect you... if I could somehow cast protection_

_over you from this place so far from where you are... if I could somehow guarantee your_

_safety... perhaps you would resent that I left so quickly. Perhaps you might become hurt._

_Perhaps when I return, you may be angry with me for what I have done. For the things_

_that we have done._

_I do not wish to forget what happened, but to think about that... I think it may be better_

_if we both were to do so. Niisan... I cannot know how you felt, on that day... I can only_

_know my own feelings, and as those were, they were overpowering. They are yet still so. I_

_would dream of that which happened, I would brush my finger across my lips and imagine_

_it your gentle touch... and I would pause as I write, for I wonder in just what direction this_

_letter may be taking..._

_Do you think of it, niisan?_

_Were you disgusted?_

_No longer could I restrain myself. No longer could I keep my feelings to myself. I couldn't_

_help myself. I'm sorry. Might something like that have disturbed you? That kiss, that time..._

_niisan... you were there... you must surely realise as keenly as I would realise myself... was I_

_the only one to feel your hands against me and think that perhaps that touch could be believed_

_to be more? That you would wish to encourage me? I would fancy I could still taste you_

_on my lips, though after so long, such a thing becomes only recollection. What do you think,_

_niisan? You... you haunt me, niisan. I came here to try to focus away from what happened,_

_perhaps in part to escape... I did not wish to face your anger, but perhaps more than that, I_

_was scared to face your passion..._

_I won't lie to you._

_Niisan... still as I sit here and write this, I would say that I wanted you... and as keenly and_

_strongly as I feel that, the feelings scare me. They frighten me. Niisan... niisan... to even call_

_you by your title is to describe my fears... niisan, this can't... we can't... is there anything that_

_we can do...?! Even if the feelings are shared... even if my kiss becomes your kiss becomes our_

_kiss... even if it's something that's shared... is that not something worse than if it were only my_

_feeling? Niisan, I would not like to think that I bewitched you... I would not like to trouble you_

_in any inconvenient way... I would not wish for you to live a life of sin and deception purely for_

_my sake. I wish for you to be comfortable. I wish for you to be safe. I wish to be able to protect_

_you, but I fear that with each passing day, my protection can never be enough... to be able to_

_protect you is not enough... to think that you may be hurt even in the slightest instance..._

_To think that I could be the person to hurt you..._

_Did it hurt you that I left, niisan? If it did, I would punish myself in any way that you wished._

_If it hurt that I left, how much would it have hurt had I remained? What might have happened,_

_what might have developed? I'm worried to think. I don't want to inflict anything upon you that_

_could scare you, niisan. My feelings, they're... they're terrible, they're perverted, I am somebody_

_who would lust after his own -brother-... niisan... is that not terrible? Is that not horrible? Would_

_you not wish for that person to leave until they could truly say they no longer believed in such_

_deviant things...?_

_I do not know when I will be able to return to you, niisan. I fear Big Mama would not let me_

_away for much longer, yet... can she not tell our pain keener than anybody? She would realise_

_that we are still confused, that we still hurt... niisan... oh, niisan... tell me what it is I could do_

_to prevent ever hurting you again..._

_Marron_"

Such a thing only served to deepen Carrot's frustrations. It was all very well to write about such things, to presume things, to request answer to such things... as much as the time apart was perhaps meant to put that which had happened in the past and heal any kind of rift that may have risen between the two brothers... whatever Marron's kind intentions, the month as it now was had perhaps had the opposite effect. It hurt to hear that, at least at the beginning of the letter, Marron would be _contented_. No, but this was the little brother who would cry '_Unforgivable!_' into the very face of death itself if something dared threaten Carrot...!

That Marron would leave him to fend for himself in such a style hurt more than anything else Marron could have said or done. Maybe Marron did think it in both of their best interests to leave and let them both have their time alone to think on things, but that-... that wasn't... how could he even consider running away to be such a solution? Maybe it was that you didn't really realise just what you had until it was gone, but with each passing day, Carrot's opinion on what had happened only grew...

Grew in what fashion, he wasn't sure. He _was_ somewhat angry for what Marron had done - the fact that he'd gone off on his own without a word to anybody, the fact that he'd presumed so much and said so little... the kiss, though? The only times that Carrot found himself not considering things angrily were when he thought of _that_ time. Everything before that had been unsure feeling and not _quite_ knowing just where the line was, if it could be crossed... everything afterward had been confusion and anger. That one singular time held firm in Carrot's mind as being the one shining moment where everything _had_ made sense. The extent of Marron's feelings. Things he himself might have felt. The way things could be expressed. The joy of the physical. The simple way that Carrot knew he could _trust_ Marron... could trust him with anything... could trust him with his feelings, with his secrets, with his joys, with his fears, with his _body_...

Marron would accept everything and question nothing. What more was needed...?

Then to ask such things as '_are you concerned_' and '_do you wonder about me_'... if Marron had been in the room at that moment Carrot would have been very tempted to hit him for his stupidity. Of _course_ he was concerned, of _course_ he wondered about Marron, did anything inside that hot-tempered head of Marron's think that Carrot _wouldn't_ be worried or concerned...? If Marron was so concerned about how lonely Carrot might have felt then why didn't he just come back to Eden already!? That fear worked both ways. Carrot didn't really care if he felt lonely or not, the case in point was to how _Marron_ felt... he seemed to take problems onto his own shoulders far too easily. Likely he was lonely. Somebody like him... Carrot knew him far too well to assume that Marron _wouldn't_ think of him during this time apart. Surely the knowledge of being apart had the potential to tear Marron up inside...!

Carrot certainly didn't want to forget about what happened. That seemed in accordance with Marron's own mind, it seemed that he didn't want to forget either... but to think it would be better if they were both to forget? No! They couldn't! If the only moment of understanding had been the second their lips had met, then to want to forget that... was that not to relegate the both of them to a life of confusion as before...? To not know how far to dare to go... to want more, but not know how to ask for it... to want more, but to not know what that more _was_...

Then, Marron would wonder him disgusted...? No. As surprising as that was even to his own self... he hadn't been disgusted. Shocked, perhaps. Surprised. A little worried, for a moment, in case that hadn't been something that Marron had entirely intended to do... but the passion of Marron's kiss had been sincere, and Carrot couldn't ever have argued against that. He knew passion as fiercely as he knew need and want and desire and frustration, and to think that Marron would know those things... to think that Marron would have known those things in response to his own earthly existence... amazement, perhaps. But never disgust.

If it were any man, then perhaps, yes. Usually just the thought of a man in that fashion would have been enough to send Carrot recoiling, and he now worried that that was the knowledge that Marron worked from... presuming the rules too steadfastly to even dare consider the _exception_...

If it were any man, then no. Marron was, however, not _any_ man. The fact that Marron happened to be male, happened to be his brother... in the face of what could be _gained_ from such a relationship, Carrot didn't care about those two things. Even if it had to be always secret... Marron would understand, wouldn't he? Usually he was so perceptive with his understanding of Carrot... but now, Carrot worried that Marron knew so much of him that he wouldn't be willing to learn anything new, anything further... that which he knew was not _all_ that there was to know...!

It seemed that perhaps Marron was the one who was shocked more by the things that had happened. Yes, during that time, Carrot _had_ wished to encourage his brother. The worst thing would have been to have stopped, yet that was what Marron had done... had stopped suddenly, had looked so _broken_ just for that moment... had made his escape with a sudden '_I'm sorry_' and then everything had become so rushed after that... yet to speak in such tones in a letter... for the month or so previous, Carrot had worried in case his thoughts had been misguided. Marron had been the one to make the move and to initiate the kiss, but what if he really had managed to scare his little brother away...? Such a thing was surely more unforgivable than anything else... yet Marron would write and say that he still dreamt of those things, that he _wanted_ those things...

If he wanted the same things that Carrot wanted then what _was_ the problem!? Carrot didn't know.

Did Marron even _realise_ that their desires were similar... was there any way to let him know... if Marron's thoughts and feelings were terrible and horrible, then Carrot's feelings were only the same in return. Carrot wanted Marron to know that. Marron _had_ to know, but how?! How could he expect any kind of answer to his thoughts if he would not even say where he hid himself... then by the time he chose to return to Eden, perhaps by that time it would be too late... that thought in itself sent a chill to Carrot's spine. Marron could be persuasive when he wanted to be, and to think that Marron would indeed be able to persuade himself out of the feelings that he had only just begun to feel... more than anything, Carrot didn't want Marron to return on the crest of his triumphant denial. There was something there. He'd felt it. He knew Marron had felt it. It _couldn't_ be lost. Carrot wasn't willing to let such a thing die. If he had to kiss Marron and keep kissing him until he was persuaded, then... then... _whatever_ it took... for his sake... for _their_ sake... for Marron's sake, he'd do _anything_...

Those thoughts were all very well to be thoughts in themselves, but when it came to the practical, that was when it became a little harder. Alright to say 'whatever it took', but when one didn't even know where the target was in the first place...

Target...

_Target_...

Carrot frowned to himself. He was a Sorcerer Hunter. He made his living through hunting Sorcerers, and lord knew _they_ never liked to present themselves easily. If it was possible to eventually find a Sorcerer, then surely it would be possible to eventually find Marron...? Even if Big Mama was usually one to give hints and information on where the Sorcerer would be found... he was a Sorcerer Hunter and he had been so for quite some time. That of the Hunter and his prey... this time, Marron was the prey...

The first clue came from the letter itself. Nobody said that Marron had to be in the same town as of where the postmark spoke, but it at least told of the general locality, _possibly_. That was a start. Then perhaps Big Mama would be able to say something...? Maybe she'd been the one to send Marron to wherever it was that he'd gone to in the first place. Perhaps she wouldn't say anything. That didn't matter. Even if he had to walk from one side of the Continent to the other, he was determined to find Marron. Perhaps Big Mama would be impressed by his determination enough to assist him.

There were some things that just _couldn't_ be expressed in a letter... writing was such a flat medium when it suggested such warmth that _had_ been felt... the writing could suggest, but only the physical would _confirm_... and oh, to be able to confirm that feeling...

It wasn't terrible, it wasn't horrible, it wasn't disgusting... it was what _they_ felt was right, and as far as _that_ went, nobody else mattered. Nobody else had to be involved. It wasn't anybody else's business.

The more he thought about it, the more Carrot felt convinced that it was the _right_ thing to do, that such a thing _shouldn't_ be denied.

The last remaining obstacle was to convince _Marron_ that it was the right path to follow...

~21st March 2005~


End file.
